Money can tear a relationship apart. It can also be one of its strongest building blocks. The choice is yours.
People who study relationships tell us that one in three couples fight about money often and seriously, and when times are tough the number goes up. Why do we do it and, more importantly, how can we stop doing it and start working together? Here are a few suggestions you might find useful.
Different money experiences
If you grew up poor and your partner’s childhood was comfortable, you are likely to think and feel differently about money, and that can cause tension between you when one wants to save and the other wants to spend.
What to do: Talk to each other about your past experiences with money and how that impacts your money fears, work ethic, attitude towards saving, debt and financial goals. You want to find common ground on which to build your joint financial future.
Financial education
If one partner understands investing, the dangers of debt and the need for budgeting, while the other partner knows very little about money management and doesn’t really want to learn, they could end up in a fight or with one partner taking on all the money responsibilities. Neither is good for the relationship.
What to do: First, agree that managing the household’s finances is a joint responsibility. Second, commit to work together find a way to share responsibilities fairly.
Financial infidelity
Cheating with money can be as bad for your relationship as cheating with another person – especially when it harms your joint financial wellness.
What to do: Agree on how much you can both spend without having to check in with each other. Also decide on how you are going to deal with friends and family members who ask for loans, and stick to the plan.
Financial commitments from your past
Previous partners or children from a previous relationship can make life difficult for a couple, especially when maintenance responsibilities are a reality or when one of you guilt-spend on children.
What to do: Be open and honest about your commitments so that you and your partner both understand the full picture and can agree on how best to manage it.
Outside interference
When friends, in-laws or other family members interfere in your finances as a couple, you have a recipe for disaster.
What to do: Commit to keeping your joint financial affairs private unless you both agree otherwise.
Shared or own accounts
If you choose to manage your money separately, your partner may feel suspicious. Or if your partner insists on joint money management, you may feel like you’re being controlled.
What to do: This is a conversation to have before the two of you commit to a long-term relationship. Whatever you decide, it’s essential that you both are happy with the approach.
No common goals
Without shared financial goals, you may end up working against each other and putting your financial future (and your relationship) at risk.
What to do: Listen carefully to each other’s dreams and goals, and then find a set of goals that you both value and share. Be prepared to compromise if necessary!
Debt
Some people hate debt, others have no issues with it and yet others can get addicted to it. Whatever your attitude, don’t make it your partner’s problem.
What to do: Have open and honest conversations upfront to decide debt’s place in your relationship. If one (or both) of you have debt that poses a problem, put a payment plan in place and make a joint commitment to settle the loans as quickly as possible. Celebrate your small victories together.
Unequal income
When you believe that because you earn the bigger salary you must make all the financial decisions in the relationship, don’t be surprised to end up in a fight.
What to do: Talk to your partner about financial teamwork and remind each other of your shared goals. Who earns what is far less important than sticking to your joint gameplan.
Parenting
Children and the stresses of parenting can put tremendous stress on a relationship, even more so when money matters enter the picture.
What to do: Talk honestly and often about things like pocket money and holiday jobs for the children, private school versus government school and how to teach the kids to make good financial decisions. Once you’ve agreed on the principles, make sure you both stick to it.
