Money can break relationships and families. Fixing and preventing this does not depend on how much money you have; it depends on how healthy your boundaries are.
Whether it’s black tax, funding your adult children or looking after your parents and your own kids (the so-called sandwich generation), the fact is that many of us take on financial obligations that are not ours. In many cases, this is not healthy for us or our own financial wellbeing.
The spoken and unspoken money expectations of parents, siblings and other relatives carry a mental and emotional price. They weigh heavily on our hearts and affect our relationships with our loved ones and with money itself. Helping others is commendable, but not when it comes from a place of having no power. Helping others and hurting ourselves in the process is self-abuse.
If we don’t break the cycle, the burden of poverty and financial misery gets handed down from one generation to the next, and nobody benefits in the end.
The question we want to help answer with this post is: how do you help others financially in a way that avoids you going into debt and stops the intergenerational cycles of poverty and money dysfunction? We hope these tips will be helpful.
- Take control of your financial journey
Your own financial freedom must come first. Only when you are financially secure, can you help your kids or your parents. Think of it this way: the greatest gift you can give your parents or your children or your siblings is for them to know you will never be a financial burden on them. You have to take care of you, so they won’t have to. - Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries
This means setting limits on your financial obligations by finding the balance between your own financial security and supporting your loved ones. If contributing to your loved ones is important to you, make it a part of your spending plan. Budget for it, like you would budget for all your other expenses. Set a monthly limit and enjoy spending it, but don’t go over that limit. If you have spent your monthly black tax/sandwich generation allowance then you have to say, “I have used up my giving budget for this month already. Good luck. I am sure you will find a healthy way to sort out your financial challenge.” - Communication is key
Talk to your family about your financial goals and limitations and make money a safe and clean topic to discuss. Openness can be a game-changer. - “No” is a full sentence
You don’t have to justify the boundaries you are putting in place. If someone asks for money and you can’t or don’t want to give it, just say no. No explanations needed. Yes, it might not be comfortable for you, but feeling guilty or ashamed is your own emotions and it is your job to deal with them. Instead of trying to justify yourself, just sit with the uncomfortable emotions and get a better understanding of what they are about. Remind yourself that your worthiness does not come from pleasing other people. - Get support
You don’t have to do this all on your own. Find a support group or a coach, or talk to a friend you trust and who shares your views on money.All of this comes down to being brave. You can be the one to break the bonds of intergenerational financial dysfunction. You can decide “it ends with me” and start building a healthier financial future.
